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Sunday, December 20, 2009

Do They See What I See

I dig that Christmas carol that goes "Do you hear what I hear?" Cool tune which ironically I have not heard much this Christmas season. But the one time I did hear it, I got me to think about the other senses we use: see what I see, smell what I smell (could be gross), touch what I touch (could be awkward), and taste what I taste (could be yummy).

But I began to reflect on see what I see and a connection to my kids. I began to think about what my kids see in me and how that molds and shapes their views of Jesus. Good or bad. And to be honest, I've been a little shaken by that. What a daunting responsibility.

As I have been thinking of that during this past week, I've both critical of myself (that I fall way short and will never be the "model" my kids need me to be) and challenged to embrace my inadequacy with Jesus at work within me and point them to Him.

But like the New Testament writer and apostle, Paul, I do want my kids to "follow me as I follow Christ". So I began to make a list of the things that I perceive my kids seeing in my that they might think to be true of Jesus. Then I made a list of things that I desire my kids to see in me that honest pursuits of being like Jesus.

My perceptions list: discouraged, temperamental, sad, loving, "on my own time", disengaged, critical, frustrated (even angry), and maybe somewhat loving/nuturing. That's a pretty rough list and to be honest I've been struggling the past few weeks with some depressive feelings. Maybe it's not that rough, but that is my perception at the moment. But even in good times, I don't get it right all the time and there are somethings that I do because of habit, wiring, or learned that healthy spiritually, emotionally, and, thus, parentally.

My wish list: honest, humble, brave, dependent, gentle, just, servant, diligent, gracious, engaging, and loving. That's a pretty huge list where the bar is set high and sometimes, maybe most times, I feel as though uber unattainable. But God has been reminding me that even in the dark, depressive times it's not about me trying harder, working harder. Instead, it's about trusting Him more, choosing the way/life of Jesus more, living in grace more, asking for courage more, choosing joy more, and ultimately pointing to Jesus more.

So what do Sarah, Parker, and even Kelly for that matter see in me? A deformed Jesus? A sad Jesus? A passive Jesus? Or do they see an authentic, redemptive Jesus who makes old things new, desolate places full of life, scared ones braves, and jacked up people beautiful?

Just some thoughts I need to put down where I write the truth that I am working on stuff in my life with Jesus because he's working in/on me.

How about you? What is your perception (good or bad) about what your kids or others for that matter see in you that they project to be true about Jesus? I pray for God's grace as you trust and follow him so that 1) you see Jesus for who he really is and 2) you might be able to help other see and experience an authentic life pursuant of Jesus and then hopefully an accurate (or as accurate as we can model) reality of who Jesus is.

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