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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Life of a Salesman

Well, here I go again: new career path. It's wierd to think, write, and share with others. Sometimes I feel guilty, sometimes hopeful, but most of the time it just feels wierd. But man o' man, what a gracious gift by God, my friend, and Costco to give this man who has basically loved God and others professionally for the past 12 years a chance to sell and market their company to the greater NE Indy area. That just gave me the shivers. I hope they know what they are doing b/c I sure don't! AAAHHH!!! All in all though, it's going to be a crazy ride as I learn what it takes to push a product to people and draw people to join the Costco experience. I've got tons to learn, people to meet, roads to travel and doors to knock on in order to get the word out about this very cool company and store.

Besides the focus to do all for the glory of God in this marketplace experience, I continue to seek God and put the feelers out about ministry. I've just stated chatting with a church from the midwest about the opportunity they have for student ministry pastor for jr. high and high school. Here is the new struggle I have nowadays with this interviewing process. I may have shared this before, but I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride from hell emotionally and spiritually. One minute I'm thinking and feeling like the little engine going up the mountain: I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. Then somewhere on the climb I think and feel: No I can't. No I can't. No I can't. Nuts. So I'm trying to pray and process through this "manic" stage of healing, growth, and understanding.

The other thing I struggle with is putting on the "game face" for the church. I'm so tired of the dog and pony show I/we put on for each other to make ourselves look and sound better. Some of it comes from self-preservation, but much of it comes from insecurity and pride. And I'm tired of it...really tired. I know I could have this job in my own power if I just gave them the right song and dance to sell myself, but what the h-e-double hockey sticks for?

So I'm talking with this church and I lay it out there about me, why I left a pretty ideal ministry environment, and the struggles I have with myself right now. Probably too much, I know. But I just want to be honest. No games. No curve balls (halls! that one's for the Solin family). No surprise skeletons down the road. I may have to learn how to ease off the "authenticity"part and figure out how to ease into "full disclosure." That's alot like life and relationships.

But, in the midst of all that, I'm still surprised at how raw I feel on the inside. You learn in youth ministry that the messy games are some of the longest to play and clean up after and that's a litte bit (maybe alot) like life. I didn't think I would be feeling some of these deeper things and struggle with some of these issues this late into the game. I wonder when God is going to send the spiritual Goose Gossage to close out this game. Who knows. Maybe it's a little glimpse into the feelings and emotions that David share with me in Psalm 13 when he repeats the phrase "how long". But until then, I'll keep walking on, blogging away, and singing to the Lord for His love is unfailing and I know that He is good (all the time). Can't you hear it in my voice?

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